somebody snuck up and got me drunk
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
