you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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