Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Randomize
