Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Randomize
