2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
Randomize