I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
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