i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
why do cheetos always look like penises
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
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