Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
Randomize
