you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
Randomize
