He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
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