I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
Mom said you looked used
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
Randomize
