Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
my sisters under your porch take her home
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
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