So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Randomize
