I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
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