I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
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