Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
Randomize