just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Randomize
