So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Randomize
