so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
you made out with another girl for some wings
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
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