If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
