If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
We just took shots out of seashells. Welcome spring break 10.
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
Randomize
