If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
I miss vodka workout Fridays
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
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