i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
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