At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
Randomize
