my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
Last time i carry you out of a forest
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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