I'm eating all of the evidence.
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
Randomize