I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
Randomize
