so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Randomize