...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
Randomize
