I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize