I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Randomize
