the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
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