You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Randomize
