This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
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