Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize