the condom got lost in my hair
i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
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