I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Randomize
