well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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