I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
No, I googled it. Apparently, male thongs are the next snuggy and a lot of guys love wearing them for the support.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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