there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
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