He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
