"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
can we get nightvision for the apartment?
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
Two girls are now jumping in the ocean naked at 10 PM...and I was just starting to hate Ocean City
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
My liver just had a heart attack.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
Randomize