Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
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