i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
