I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
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