i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
