so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
