I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Randomize
