dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Randomize
