I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Randomize