seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
Randomize
