I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
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