He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Randomize
