Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
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