this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
