Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
