i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
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