I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Randomize
