Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Randomize
