Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
Does she know that uploading nude photos to photobucket and networking are two different things? You may want to ask.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
